A fascinating cable went out today discussing the many innovations at Embassy Yaounde. I wanted to share it with ya’ll, it makes for fascinating reading. I hear much of the Department is watching the little post that could out there. Enjoy!
AMEMBASSY YAOUNDE
SECSTATE WASHDC
INFO AFRICAN UNION COLLECTIVE
E.O. 12598: N/A
TAGS: PHUMR, SRCSM, CM
SUBJECT: EMBASSY YAOUNDE MOVES TO GOOGLE
1. (U) Summary. Moving boldly to harness the technologies of the late 20th century to tackle the challenges of the 21st, Embassy Yaounde will, effective April 1, conduct all official Embassy business and communication through the suite of services offered by Google and other open source providers. We hope this shift will free up USG resources to fund domestic stimulation while at the same time expanding our contact with the growing community of people communicating through the so-called “internets.” End summary.
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2. (U) Embassy Yaounde’s electronic communications were affected earlier this year when a chain of emails titled simply “Re:” effectively paralyzed U.S. diplomacy by unleashing a remarkable outbreak of public, collective embarrassment among the personnel of the heretofore most elite staff of the executive branch. As fascinating as this experiment was, it reminded us of our vulnerability to similar attacks of what experts call “self-inflicted paralyzing lemming-itis.” To protect ourselves and to tap the power of the “world-wide web” (which is not, as reported in Yaounde 123, an actual collection of tubes but is, in fact, a very long, invisible string connecting the computers of the world), Embassy Yaounde decided to shift its entire electronic presence to Google and other open source utilities. All Embassy employees will have easy-to-remember gmail addresses (HotShotPolOff@gmail.com or NoVisaForYou@gmail.com ) that they can check from the comfort of the neighborhood internet cafe (even in Pyongyang!) and keep with them throughout their careers. There are no storage limits, no work orders, and (best of all) no CyberSecurity Awareness Seminars. Gmail also offers access to calendars, photos, video and other functions, all without the hassle of having to dream up creative 32-digit passwords every two weeks. (RntUSIKofCngingUrPZw0RD?!).
No More Promotion Boards; No More EERS
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3. (U) In a further cost and time saving measure, Embassy Yaounde will also do away with the costly and cumbersome employee evaluation process. EERs, review panels, and promotion boards will all be replaced with the simple, easy-to-use and understand model that has proven successful in the popular website “Who’s Hot.” Candidates for promotion will post a picture of themselves on the website (we are still seeking ownership of the domain www.whoshot(diplomatically-speaking).com) where they will be matched against another candidate up for promotion in the same class. Visitors to the site will vote for one of the candidates in a head-to-head matchup, determining who is hot (diplomatically-speaking) based on their evaluation of each candidate’s apparent potential to fulfill the relevant career precepts. Yaounde’s HR office is drawing up guidelines for how to link physical traits to performance criteria. (For example: beard = strong intellectual skills, or Surname Burns = Strong potential to take on positions of increasing responsibility.)
It works for travel and transfers too!
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4. (U) Continuing the cost savings and customer service improvements, all Embassy employees will now be encouraged to use Travelocity.com for official travel arrangements. We have also identified private freight handlers who are proven to be just as adept at losing or delaying shipments of personnel affects as the USG procedures, but at a fraction of the price and hassle! Until more options for intra-African travel are made available on the worldwideweb, employees will continue to use Dieudonne at the Yaounde Bus Depot to schedule all travel within the region.
Bye Bye FSBid!
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5. (U) Although we were loathe (LOATHE!) to bid farewell to the oh-so user-friendly FSBid system, financial constraints compelled us to take advantage of an existing platform ideally suited to the purpose: E-Bay. Prospective bidders can visit eBay to pursue new and used bids available at low, low prices. By harnessing market incentives (Action request for the Department. Are we still harnessing market forces? End action request.) we will eliminate the need for differentials, COLAs, etc. in a pure open market system. To retain some vestiges of the current assignment system, eBay will be programmed to periodically bend the “sacrosanct” rules for those bidders who submit, in Haiku form, particularly warm praises for senior leadership. ELO assignments will continue to be determined by the “Malicious Dart Board” process developed by the Department over the years.
PD 3.0
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6. (U) In a dashing display of public diplomacy innovation, Embassy Yaounde will completely leap-frog the Department’s push for PD 2.0 and go directly to PD 3.0, by which public diplomacy events will be conducted solely through cyberspace. Facebook will replace Information Resource Centers, American Corners, and traditional, PD 1.0 has-been tools like International Visitor Programs. Why bother sending someone to the U.S. when they can talk to real, live Americans through DVC?
7. (U) All Embassy outreach will be conducted by blog and/or podcast, eliminating the tiresome need to conduct public diplomacy with actual “people”. (Comment. “People”, let’s face it, are the most frustrating part of public diplomacy. If it were not for the troubling persistence of the “people” factor in public diplomacy, this Embassy has no doubt that the US would totally be winning the war for hearts and minds! End comment.) Every moment of the Ambassador’s day will be “tweeted” to the adoring masses. (e.g. “The foreign minister suggested I choose the sole, but cautious that the choice might tip my hand regarding the upcoming maritime policy review, I went with the filet.”) Taking a cue from the recent U.S. Presidential debates, the Embassy will accept grant proposals only through YouTube. Post is not dissuaded by Cameroon’s less than 1 percent internet saturation. If you blog it, they will come and, anyways, as our new Mission Strategic Plan says: “Never let inconvenient facts stand in the way of policy!”
No More Visa Lines
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8. (U) Not wanting to be left out of the eRevolution, Yaounde’s Consular Section is beta testing a new program whereby visa seekers can submit their applications and sworn statement (backed with a double promise and a “no-backies” pledge) that they will abide by American immigration law. The Consular Section is currently vetting tender proposals for a strategic partner. At this point the two remaining candidates are Paul, a Nigerian man who is seeking a partnership where he can invest the $40 million he inherited from his uncle and Marcelline, a Liberian banker who needs to invest $25 million she found in an abandoned bank account of a former minister. Each has also promised to send prospective partners a monkey, which they unfortunately cannot care for any more. All Post has to do is advance the handling costs! (Action request. Please forward fiscal information for processing of monkey handling costs. End action request.)
And Reporting Would be Easier Too
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9. (U) Post has abandoned traditional reporting for Google News Alerts. We simply email them to Washington and given them a grade – A is for reasonably accurate, B for it’s not totally made up, C for fiction. Post is currently in discussion with Google for the development of a new channel for super-sensitive communication, to be called Google SuperSecret Alerts.
Demarches Are Easier…
When They’re Multiple Choice
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10. (U) Post recommends that the Department take a similar approach to demarches. Upon receipt of the demarche talking points, Post will email to our contacts at the Foreign Ministry. Post’s reply to the Department will be a simple multiple choice questionnaire that encompasses the entire universe of responses we receive:
A) “the government will check with its hierarchy”;
B) “Mr. ——- promised to contact Post with any substantive response”;
C) “the government will check with the African Union”;
D) “the government preferred to discuss his nephew’s student visa application.”
The Department is welcome to continue the current practice of transmitting demarche requests in the days immediately following the debate/vote in question.
Disclaimer
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11. (U) No official USG resources were used in the composition of this message, which was written in its entirety while the official network was down. (Comment. Seriously. End comment.)
Well, I hope you enjoyed the cable as much as I did. I didn’t write any of it, it seems to be one of those anonymous chain e-mails that everyone loves to receive now posted to some random guy’s blog. Happy April Fool’s Day!
